Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I have aggressive nipples.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
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