Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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