i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
