Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
