don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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