i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
