i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Randomize
