Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
