You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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