Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Randomize
