Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Randomize
