Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
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