I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
