I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
