Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
