I showed him my bush... on skype.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
