overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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