wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
