You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Randomize
