I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Randomize
