I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
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