those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
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