I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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