just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
