My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Randomize
