He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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