i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
