I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Randomize
