It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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