Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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