I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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