every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
