cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
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