you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
