took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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