I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
