Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
