I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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