The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Randomize
