My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
