i already hear my dad disowning me
Don't EVER smell your tampon
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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