So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Randomize
