His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
They have beer where we have blood.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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