Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
