I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
