i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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