Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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