somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
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