I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
