I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
