It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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